The other day I conducted a smart dating and relationship choices workshop for a group of high school girls. Of course the topic of Chris Brown and Rhyiana came up. To find out what their thoughts were on this issue, I posed the question: If you were Rhyiana would you take Chris Brown back? About 40% of the students said no. But, more than half said yes, they would take him back … if he was really sorry and promised never to do it again. So I asked: What would indicate to you that he was really sorry and what would he need to do to assure you that he would never do it again? They all looked at me with a blank stare. Then the room got quiet.
So the workshop went from smart dating choices to understanding the dynamics of dating violence, which led me to write this note. Perhaps you may want to share it with a young woman or young man you know. Here goes…………
One of the hardest lessons that a young woman has to learn is not algebra, calculus or even the laws of science. It’s not social studies, foreign language or figuring out why Maya Angelou’s Caged Bird Sings. The hardest lesson that a young woman has to learn is how to recognize and end an abusive relationship.
Perhaps he “only” hits you when he’s angry. Or maybe he doesn’t hit you at all. Instead he curses at you, tells you that you’re nothing without him and tries to control every move you make. Or maybe he doesn’t do any of these things, but there’s a little voice inside your head telling you….that he’s a little too jealous and overinvolved in your day-to-day whereabouts and decisions for your comfort level.
Contrary to popular belief, the reason so many young women have difficulty recognizing and ending an abusive relationship is not solely based on low self-esteem or witnessing violence in their own homes. Some of the other reasons are: 1) Most people are not taught healthy relationship skills, values and boundaries. Therefore they don’t know what to expect or look for, let alone set healthy boundaries and assert themselves. 2) Abusive relationships never start out that way. It’s not like you meet someone and from day one they start hitting on you or verbally abusing you. It’s a progression of behaviors that escalate over time, as the abuser becomes more comfortable in the relationship and feels like they’ve got you mentally and emotionally locked in. 3) The relationship is not abusive all the time. There is a cycle of violence… a period of calm before the storm.
Experts in this area say that there are three stages that occur in the cycle of an abusive relationship: They are:
1.) The Tension Building Stage – this is the stage where things start to get real tense and they escalate from bad to worse.
2.) The Explosion Stage – this is the stage where the person explodes and either hits you or goes into an uncontrolled rage of fury.
3.) The Honeymoon Stage – This is the stage that keeps the couple together, because this is the stage where the person apologizes, says that they don’t know what got into them and promises that it will never happen again. And you end it taking them back hoping that things will change.
It is critical that we start talking to teens early about healty relationship behavior because studies show that one in five middle and high school girls have experienced violence or some form of intimidation in their dating relationships. And the schocker is many never tell their parents, so they go through this hurtful experience privately, afraid and embarrased to tell someone else what’s going on.
Dating violence is a serious issue because many of these relationships end in hospitalizations and some even end in death. This is why it is critical that we speak to our youth about teen dating violence/domestic violence. If you’re a parent sit down with your teen and dialogue about this issue, if you’ve got nieces, nephews and younger cousins start talking to them. If you work with teens, do some research on the issue of teen dating violence. Get the facts and stats. Then conduct a workshop to help educate your youth.
When I closed the workshop with the young women, I closed with this piece of advice….
While it can be flattering to be with someone who makes you feel like the sun rises and sets with you, like you are the center of his world, like he’s the Big Willy whose made you. What you must keep in mind is when someone feels like they own you or they’ve made or raised you so to speak, they start to feel a little entitled. Entitled to tell you what to do and how to do it. Entitled to tell you who to talk to, who you can hang out with and what not to wear. And over time this sense of entitlement can grow into a cancerous tidal wave of unchecked jealousy, control and anger. And if a person feels entitled to own and control you, then it’s a matter of time before they believe that they are entitled to spas out on you and put their hands on you … all in the name of love.
If you are in an abusive relationship tell your parents, tell a teacher, tell someone you trust, there is help available to see you through this. If you are being abused, the best decision is to back away from the relationship and talk with your parents and a counselor. Your partner needs help and anger management counseling, even if he’s really sorry.
In the end, only you can decide whether you or going to leave or stay, but if you remember nothing else, remember this: …..When he loves you to death, he may send you to the grave to prove it.
Question For This Note: If you could sit down and talk with a group of teens about violence in relationships, what would be your one piece of advice?
***For more information on domestic violence and teen dating violence you can go to the following websites:
http://www.ndvh.org
http://www.ncadv.org
http://www.safeyouth.org
http://www.abuseintervention.org
Remember – You hold the pen that writes the chapters of your life,
Cassandra Mack
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Copyright © 2009 by Cassandra Mack. All rights reserved. A portion of this article was excerpted from Cassandra Mack’s book, “Cool, Confident and Strong: 52 Power Moves for Girls.”
Cassandra Mack, MSW, is a clinical empowerment coach, author of several successful books and founder of Strategies for Empowered Living Inc., a social enterprise that offers personal development tips and tools via workshops, empowering events, consultation services and books that inspire. For more information go to: http://www.strategiesforempoweredliving.com
A portion of this note came from Cassandra Mack’s book, “Cool, Confident and Strong: 52 Power Moves for Girls.”
If you have a tween or teen daughter or work with adolescent girls and young women, this self-esteem and smart choices guide will be a great resource. It’s available at: http://www.strategiesforempoweredliving.com